The Announcement that Isn't

Last week I had a post scheduled.

It was cute.  Happy and cheerful.

We had pictures taken.  Each of us representing our season of birth.  I was winter, in my pea coat with a fluffy hat and mittens.  Justin was spring in a pastel shirt and tie.  #wiggydiggy was fall, in boots and a colorful sweater.  Summer was represented by a beach ball with sunglasses on top.

The picture read - Someone to Celebrate in every Season.

My due date was September 18th.  Just a few short days before summer would turn to fall.

Instead of announcing our family expanding by one (finally!!) I instead am still a wreck emotionally.

At my 8 week ultrasound the gestational sac was empty.  The tech felt my due date could be off by up to three weeks.  I knew better.

At the follow-up ultrasound the following week there was no change.  I knew it was a miscarriage and I was willing to accept it and move on.  We tried for over a year and we miscarried before, I knew that our window for a second child was rapidly closing and I wanted to move on so we could try just one more time.

This time was different.
So very very different.

I was asked to go for a third ultrasound and a few more blood tests.  Friday night at 8 PM I got the phone call.

Molar Pregnancy.

This means, my baby was never a baby.  It was a tumor.  They wanted me in surgery as soon as possible.

Now we are waiting for the phone to ring with test results.  I am no longer pregnant, and I may never be pregnant again.

I am SO grateful that we have our son.  That we conceived him naturally and my pregnancy was a breeze.
I am SO grateful that he is healthy and happy.

I am devastated that he may never be a brother.
I am devastated I may never carry another child, never nurse another infant.  I may never hear another tiny voice ask for 'Mama'.